Starbucks

It came as a surprise to my wife that today was the first time I had ever been in a Starbucks. I have no earthly idea why it would be a surprise since I don’t drink coffee. But it was. Nothing against the place, they just dont sell what I drink. And I wouldn’t have gone in today if it were not for the fact that she won a cubicle decorating contest at work and they gave her two $5 gift cards.

No.

I never once felt compelled to see what all the fuss was about. I had one cup of coffee in high school. Once. It tasted like shit. Sooooo. I never choose to have a second cup and see if it tasted better. I was told it’s an acquired taste like beer… which is something else I have never had.

How does someone tell you to try or smell something, you try it or smell it, say it’s not for you, then you keep trying it until it is? The answer to that might explain why there are so many dumb ass children running around,

How does my not ever being in Starbucks make me weird?  Oh and for the record, I had a dry banana nut chocolate chip muffin and a raspberry lowfat muffin. It was just a step above Little Debbie brand snacks for way more money. But being in there did make me feel special. But not the good special….

NFL Picks Week 15

Rest in peace Chris Henry. I hope it was an accident but I think the full story will say it was intentional.

Can I say something to th conspiracy theory that I am currently floating on the internet? The Randy Moss tanking smokescreen is a concerted effort to cover up the fact that more than half of Tom Brady’s passes were off the mark. All day. Off the mark the past few games even. Every since the Indy game.

Week 15 picks:

IND @ JAC  IND-8

DAL @ NO NO-11

CLE @ KC KC-1

HOU @ STL HOU-1

NE @ BUF BUF-1

MIA @ TEN MIA-1

SF @ PHI PHI-13

ARI @ DET ARI-15

CHI @ BAL BAL-1

ATL @ NYJ NYJ -1

OAK @ DEN DEN-8

CIN @ SD SD-7

TB @ SEA TB-1

GB @ PIT GB-1 Troy really is that important…

MIN @ CAR MIN -11

NYG @ WAS WAS-3 Upset alert.

There is a lot being said about NO and Indy… more about NO than indy…. for the record I think the cowboys could win but i think they will find a way to lose this game because I think Romo, to use a baseball analogy, is a starting pitcher. He seems to peter out in the fourth quarter. I mean to say you see his best stuff at the beginning of the game, and at half time the other team adjusts but he doesnt. But we shall see.

Things I’ve Learned From Women Who Have Dumped Me

“Things I’ve Learned From Women Who Have Dumped Me” edited by Ben Karlin is a collection of shorts by a group of men, most of whom are famous for one thing or another. I happened across it while trying to show my 14 year old stepson what a bookstore is. The title drew me in and a quick look at the list of contributors made me buy the book.

While in the bookstore I read the Stephen Colbert offering and was delighted. I figured the rest of the book would be this strangely funny and I picked it up. When I finally got around to reading the book, I read the chapters out of sequence. I choose to read the authors I knew first and worked my way through the remainder of the book in the order they were written.

Maybe it was this approach to the book that made me see the book in a different light than I perhaps would have if I would have read it straight through. Let me explain. There were several stories in the book that were not funny. I, assuming it would all be funny, stopped reading the book lightly and began to read the book as though these could be funny stories. Or they could be sad stories of heartbreak being told by funny people. I allowed me to see the more serious side of each story, which I might have n=missed if I started at A and went to B.

It is a light read and I smiled more than I cried. I came away from the book thinking about my relationships and had I learned anything from them. I am keenly aware of the things I know now that I didn’t know before. And I can’t say I was a good partner even though I wish I were. Thats what struck me about the book. Even though most these guys see the humor in their heartbreak, their openness and honesty made me reflect. Thank goodness my wife is an understanding woman. Thank goodness I learned to see that.

Father’s Day. A Lesson In Stereotypes.

I am comfortable with the stereotypes I fit. I have never felt uncomfortable being or doing anything that is said to be true of my type or my people. My mother married my sister’s father so I had a father figure in my life but I never thought of him as ‘my’ father. So father’s day really never had any significance to me. It came and went without any fanfare at all.

Now a days my wife’s father is alive and nearby so fathers day  has become of some significance to me by proxy. And despite mine and my stepson’s objections, my wife also seems to think I should be recognized on father’s day. I’m a motherfucker. But I’m no father. Anyway. We took my father in law out for dinner on father’s day. We went to a small town North Carolina seafood place. I should have had my guard up to begin with but I didn’t want to assume anything simply because the place looked sort of like a gas station. It was where he wanted to eat so thats where we went.

It was a cornucopia of stereotypes! First of all the place bills it’s self as a seafood restaurant but if you did not want catfish or shrimp you needed to search the menu real hard. They did, in fact, have more types of bbq than they did seafood. And yes, they did bring my salad dressing out in a lil plastic cup with a lid, despite the fact that we weren’t getting it to go. My waitress was poppin gum the entire time and she couldn’t have said “sugah” more if she was repeating the ingredients for sweet tea. I expected the drinks to be served in dixie cups. When I ordered an unsweet tea and asked for Splenda, the poor woman was confused and insulted. She repeated my order slowly like maybe I didn’t know what I ask asking for. I tried not to laugh.

I was disappointed in my meal Despite the down home feeling of the place, it cost as much as any middle of the way seafood place and wasn’t near as good. My father in law, who has probably never been to a national middle of the way seafood place, loved his meal. And that was what it was all about. I think.

I

Consequences and Repercussions

That was me. That time. Standing ready. Teeth sharpened. Armed for battle. meditating on the wrong that I had done my entire life. Saying a prayer and apologizing for everything I did that I should not have done. Sorry for the hurt I caused where there was no need for pain. Readying myself for hell. Unashamed of myself. I knew where I should be. No need to lie to myself about doing anyone else’s work. Vengeance would be my drink and I would poison myself with it until my wrath reached legendary status. There were no voices in my head. There was no religious banter. Philosophy was mearly background noise. I was between good and evil running towards one side fast.

Tiger Woods

I am such a dirty whore.

Let me explain.

I haven’t been able to drop my semi precious jewels on yall in a regular fashion. I have many excuses but I wont make them. The only thing I have been able to get you is my NFL picks. SO I wanted to stay away from sports a bit. But like a dirty little whore, I just can’t seem to stay away from it. Thanks Tiger.

Look. The main question I ask as a straight man is, “Man. Why did you even get married?” You could ho all over the world and have to answer to no one! TMZ could run a story about you being locked in a Vegas suite for a week every off season with 25 strippers and no water. Just you, them, and nothing but jello and whip cream for food. And if your sponsors looked the other way no harm no foul. But as it stands… you got married.

Why?

You clearly weren’t ready to settle down man.  And I won’t even say anything about the women who are coming forth. All I’m saying is I have no game and I’m broke and I had better taste than you. I suppose money doesnt make good taste. Again. Why did you get married man? You could have all the skanks you could handle and no one would care…

Why man? Why?

Children Playing In The Snow

There we were. Children playing in the snow. A small part of out innocence was gone and we kept playing as if nothing had happened. A cold day blew those strong chicago breezes we called “the hawk” all around us. We just played there like our worlds hadn’t been destroyed a little. If we were more mature we would have held each other and cried. We would have felt like the bloodstains wouldn’t go away and the pain would. Even though it turned out to be just the opposite. We were children playing in the snow. Pretending our worlds didn’t just change.

Small Cars. Big Women

Did you happen to see any of the Oprah White House Christmas special? Football was on so probably not. I did. During one of the commercials. Oprah looked GOOD. Yes. Oprah. Big Oprah. She and the First Lady (who always looks good) looked like the company I would keep after a long day at the office! That is, if my wife wouldn’t kill me…. I mean if I were single, I would be at the restaurant with those two lovely ladies trying to make it a two for night. Which is to say, again, big Oprah looked good. I can’t find a pic from last night but I found a decent one to illustrate my point. (Lord knows there are plenty of pictures of her online…)

Curvation. She looks better as she ages. All that money doesn’t hurt any either. Sexy. Sophisticated. Richer than a mutha…. Oprah.

A car that you will never catch Oprah dead in, The Kia Soul.

Doesn’t it look cute! Looks like it might transform and save the day! Autobots! Roll Out!

11 All Time Stripping Songs (mature sister edition)

Fellas. As we age, some of us get lazy and lose the spark in our marriage/long term relationship. It is important that we not forget the spice we once used in the bedroom. Now I know many of us have bad backs and trick knees and can’t make her hit those high notes anymore. I know a house full of children, some of whom think your bed is their bed, can really cramp your style. But there are those afternoons when you both take off from work at lunch time and you have a little time before the constant yammering of your little blessings walk through the door eager to show you the crayola drawing of you. You ever ask yourself if the child really thinks you look like cookie monster with the eyes on the top of your head? Maybe you should get junior checked. I mean, it was cute when he was 5 but he is almost 15 now….

Anyway. We all love stripping. But the wives have these crazy rules about it. Go figure! So the thing to do is create the same joy of watching her undress but doing it without asking. Let me warn you fellas… This may require a few days of you stripping first. I know I know. But consider it laying the groundwork. A sort of a tic for tac. YOU can strip to the radio. It won’t matter. BUT if you are trying to get a sister to strip you need to make yourself a mix and be ready to play it.

“You’re Making Me High” Toni Braxton

“Rub You The Right Way” Johnny Gill

“oops (oh my)” Tweet

“scandalous” Prince

“tell me” dru hill

“moments in love” the art of noise

“Me and Mrs Jones” Billy Paul

Silk – Freak Me.

Rock Me Tonight For Old Time Sake – Freddie Jackson

Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye

Piece Of My Love -Guy

Be sure to set the mood. The key is to make it obvious what you whawant, but you want to be sure not to ask. This may not require, but will not be hurt by scented candles, a drawn bath, flowers and or a roaring fireplace. Be flexible and patient and you may get the show you hoped for.

NFL Week 14 picks

Week 14. My picks suck. And I am barely able to get these things in on time. I have my head stuck up my own ass. (would it be better if it was someone else’s ass?) Week 14 picks except that thursday game and I was way wrong on that too!

NO @ ATL NO-17

DET @ BAL BAL-5

GB @CHI  GB-3

SEA @ HOU  HOU-1

DEN @ IND IND-9

MIA @ JAC -MIA-1

BUF @ KC  BUF-3

CIN @ MIN CIN-3

CAR @ NE NE-9

NYJ @ TB  TB-1

STL @ TEN TEN-7

WAS @ OAK WAS-3

SD @ DAL SD-5

PHI @ NYG  PHI-9

ARI @ SF ARI-3

Go forth and dont bet your money on it.