A Mind Grenade

“My mind is a hand grenade. Catch!” -Ice T “Mind Over Matter”

What comes of one who sees and tastes the life we are all lead to believe we want? What comes of him when, having licked the lust off a seductive life, he is not impressed? I was lead to believe a life of excess was the way I could show myself and others that I have succeeded in life. I know the knowledge that comes from the pure joy of getting what you want when you want it how you want it until you pass out and get back up so you can do it again.

But.

When I am honest with myself… I was not impressed.  I stood in a friends new house that he hustled hard for. lHomeowner before he turned twenty-five years old. Impressive. Yes. But I wasn’t impressed.

I thought back to a time I spent in Vermont many years before. When my elderly history teacher told me he just compl;eted building his house. At age 62! By himself! That impressed me.

So you know I was beside myself when he said that was the seventh house he had build himself.

GLAWDHAMMERCY!

I think i was bitten back then. Dripping in excess, surrounded by possibilities… I began to ask myself what impressed me. What impresses me? Was it the big house? Or the little one you built yourself?  Ill gotten gains on the backs of poor people or a hard earned dollar that might not be worth the effort you put into getting it?

I walked away.

I walked away from a world filled with possibilities for the things that once impressed me. I set my own happiness as my main objective in life and i lost or rather gave away, my passion for the material. It is said that he who dies with the most toys wins. But what did he win? ANd what did he loose to do it?

I live my life now trying to leave a light footprint on the world. I already carved some terrible things in the hearts of a few so it may well be a moot point. But I feel my impact on the world around me lessening. And it comes as a relief. I have changed. Softened on many things. Hardened on others. But I am evolving.

“If you always do what you have always done, you will always end up with what you already have.”

What do you have?

“Catch!”

Yessurrr. Epiphany.

Epiphany. Like the first time you saw a beautiful woman and felt your inner little you tingle in that special way. When that tingle lasted for more than a moment and you directly connected the stimulation to the result. That moment when not only did many of your issues, questions and problems get answers…. you now had even more complicated questions. At that moment you knew things would never be the same.

Her sinuous shape slightly whispers to you as she shifts her weight from one foot to the other. Her hands on her hips at first. You wishing those could be your hands. Then quickly off her hips, flailing in some hysterical way.

You are frozen. Your mind wanders as a song you never understood before plays with evil purpose in your head.”Busting Out”, by Rick James blocks out all other sounds for you. Without knowing you lick your lips as you begin to imagine your button popping superpowers! Your heart races. You stop breathing. Thinking. Wondering. What does she feel like? Hypnotized by the way the seams on her jeans seem to be holding on for dear life…. She is busting out!

A voice gets louder and angrier in the distance until you realize she is yelling at you.

“What the !@#% are you lookin’ at? You got an eye problem or something?!”

You feel yourself blushing. You want to run but your knees lock up. You want to speak but your mouth is dryer than a bag of flour. You just stand there wavering in the breeze her hand motions make. You wet your mouth enough to swallow and you get it together just enough to realize that her movements are causing her to bounce just a little.

There goes that tingle again.

Totally peeved, she storms off. You stand confused and aroused. Excited and afraid.

“Its going to be like this for the rest of your life kid,” a nearby old man says laughing.

“You gone bring most the trouble you encounter in this here life on yourself. Sometimes just riding it out will make it look like you could handle it anyway. Sometimes being too stupid to run will help you save face. Then there will be those times when you can learn to get a little something good out of the bad situation. And when you do that you’ll feel a tingle inside. Treasure those moments when you get clarity. Life is full of cloudy days son. But every now and then things will happen that are pure. Plain and clear. You be smart now too though boy. Don’t think that because you know a skunk when you smell one that that means you can be fooled by one that done covered up it’s smell.. In otherwords, know what trouble looks like aint the same as knowing how to avoid it.

Now that right there. Thats good trouble. Mmm hmmm. Gooder than grits and eggs with butter and cheeze! You don’t know nothing about what I’m tellin you boy. But moment by moment… one day you will.”

“Yessurrr.”

Robbing Peter To Pay Paul

It has been a minute. Truth is it might be a few more too. Im currently incognegro as my internet connection is gone by the wayside. Along with my credit. I am currently robbing peter to pay paul. I currently pay $2,000 a month in intrest (only!) on a couple of small payday loans. You know, if i didnt need to eat or have a place to stay then I would, in retrospect, have starved and walked to work, if i could have forseen this here situation.

Im in the wrong line of work. I thought you had to be in porn to (library pc explicative) someone over. When in reality all you need to do is be a money lender. Jesus H. Christmas Christ! Heres how it goes. ..

Things are stacking up and I start a new job. Nothing sexy. Something government. Pay is ok. Work isnt really difficult. But I dont get paid for three weeks. I have run off all my friends and borrowed every cent I could when I wasnt working so now I need to get back on track. All my toys and weaponry, along with my wife’s wedding ring, live at the pawn shop. I visit every now and then and give them money so they dont sell my stuff out from under me.

Enter the payday loan people. They will drop money in my account if I fax them a check for the loan plus a fee. And its ok if I cannot pay them back right away because every two weeks they will take their fee until i get them paid. Sounds bad. Gets worse. So three loans in they are taking a third of my check each pay period just in interest. Kinda hard to pay that somewhat small fee back when there isnt much left after their fees. Two months later it becomes apparent that the loan amount has been repaid several times but they havent reduced the principle one red cent. Add two more loans and now the entire check goes to interest. That means we have to live off one income and that wasnt working BEFORE the loans.

To make a long story short we are (explicative deleted because of library pc)  and no one is even telling us we are pretty.

438%

Thats what we are paying. Four hundred and thirty eight percent. Good gawd a mighty. If I knew I could make that sort of nut on any investment I would sell plasma to put every dime I could put into that!

Instead I work a depressing job. Which I now need, in order to pay Paul. Peter, in the meanwhile, is busy laughing at me because who in their right mind would borrow anything at that rate?

Someone who has to pay Paul.