Yard Work

Ok. At no point in my thoughts about being an adult did I ever think abouit yard work. I have no idea what I was thinking. I always figured I would have a piece of land big as Texas like a lot of city boys do. But I never really thought about what it would take to keep up a yard. I mean my yard now is way small. But IO can’t even keep that up. Why with the weeding every week… seems like it needs to be weeded everyday! I guess it makes sense that since I never grew up with a yard I had no idea what yard work really was.

You can tell that I am not the only one. Go to the areas where there were lots of sub prime mortgages. The yards look like shit. Hey. I carried the mail so I’m not making that up. In my case I know it from first hand knowledge. Where the people are new to home ownership the yards look like shit.

ANYWAY.I rent. However, I offer the only real advice I know for sure…… INSECT REPELLANT! Know it. Love it. Use it. And it doesn’t hurt to look for ticks when you get inside. I have had a go with spotted rocky mountain tick nuttiness. And it weren’t pretty!

“Long Distance Girlfriend” By Heavy D

“Long Distance Girlfriend”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDz3ymxV-0c

Heavy D. Man. I have not kept up with him so I have no idea if this dancehall type roots reggea vibe is his new style… I don’t know. But I remember the cut “In The Mood From Love” which I think was on the second album from Heavy D and the Boyz (was it boys with a ‘z’ ?) Anyway. It has been at least 20 years since I used to run home from school to watch Rap City. One of the best parts of that would be being in my friend Dion’s living room trying to do the dances from, “We Got Our Own Thang”

Remember when Teddy Riley was the hot producer? (I’m sorry young people… remember when Lil Jon was the hot producer?) Hip hop chews up people and then they fade into thin air only to be replaced by the next person who you MUST have produce a cut if you want your music to sell….

ANYWAY! We used to go to my friend Shalonda’s house and get out notebooks and copy down the lyrics to all the hot shit. I still know every word to “Posse On Broadway” and of cource I still know all the Heavy D shit. If it had a video I knew the words.

“Started with a pow and I’mma end it with a bang! We got our own thang!”

Walk By

Saturday mornings I take a 7.8 mile walk. Once upon a time this wasn’t even an issue. My warranty was never on my mind and the only thing that was risky about such a walk were the dangerous people I might run into. But now, as i age less than gracefully, my warranty is on my mind most of the walk and I feel like the wheels might fall off sometimes. I sweat like I never did before and I need a whole week to recover! Im trying to get myself to the point to where I can make that walk every other day. I do not know how long this will take but I hope that as the weather heats up I can do it faster. It would be nice if they invented an air conditioned sweat suit.

HEY! I’m not saying I shouldn’t sweat. I’m just saying that I shouldn’t feel like I’m paying for my sins on earth, that’s all.

The One That Got Away

My mama talks that shit a lot. When she gets down she talks about ‘the one who got away’. Funny thing is ‘the one’ appears to be one of five. Sad thing is I fear she may not recognize that she only thinks the thought as a way of punishing herself for the road untraveled. In doing this she creates for herself a world where no matter what, the relationship you didn’t have always looks better than the ones you did.

Well I try not to think those thoughts. They serve no real good purpose and they take away focus from my relationship. When pressed I will admit that I have given it a thought once or twice upon a time. I dismiss it out of hand because I could second guess every choice I made and did not make in life. So why bother?

As it goes, I was in the middle of a piece I was writing for my other sexually charged blog when an idea crossed my mind that was never even a possibility in my mind… What if “I” am the one who got away from some young lady? HA! As cocky as I am I never imagined that. I have always been a little too much of a prick and a lot too much of big brother to be that guy. I couldn’t envision it.

But what if I am? What if some young lady who I used to comfort still whispers my name as she touches herself when she is alone? What if she has created an elaborate fantasy where I live in her garage and I hide out there until she shows up and we race to make her climax before the children rush the car and start with their yapping?  What if she has to remember my touch to be able to tolerate her lover’s hands? What if some guy is just standing in the dreams that should have come true with me? Maybe there is a woman out there who closes her eyes and inhales when my name comes up because I am the one who got away.

My Day At The DMV

I havent been this beatup in years. Today I spent my entire day doing the two step between court and the DMV. You see, I had this ticket from november that I didnt pay because I had no money.  I got the ticket because I had no money to register the vehicle I was driving. As strange as it may seem, I was unable to get the vehicle registered or pay the ticket, which required the vehicle be registered. Redundancy alert.

Well I needed to get around so I kept driving. Four tickets later I decied to stop driving that vehicle. It still isnt registered but thats niether here nor there.

So I go to the DMV to pay up. They tell me I need to go to court. I go to court, they tell me I need a piece of paper from the DMV. I go back and they say I went to the wrong person in the courthouse. Go back and see someone else. I go back and pay my ticket. $246! Because the plates which I owned did not match the vehicle, which I own……

THEN I go back to the DMV to pay a $100 fine and license reinstatement fee. ONLY to find out I need to go to a different DMV to pay $10 to get my license renewed. The original ticket with court fees was $144. Only $25 of which was actually the fine.

Did I mention I couldnt actually afford to pay this out. But as it turns out, I get profiled as if I have a gun in the car. Well… Ok. So I do normally have a gun in the car. But they dont know that! And I follow all the laws and am well within my right to carry.

Ok. Maybe I cant be mad that the stereotype, in this case, is true. But the officers assume my sidearm is illegal when it isnt. So there is still some stereotyping there to take issue with. BACK TO MY POINT…

I spent almost seven hours running all over the map to try to make peace with the DMV lords. Yes. It is ironic that my license was revoked all while I was taking the high road and being polite while the mean ole nasty DMV workers barely hid their shit eating smirks as they ran me around like a sorority pledge and then hit me up like a cheap ass pinata.

At least now I can have a less than perfect attitude at the next DWI checkpoint I drive through. Yeah Im in a hurry. So what? Why yes I am transporting a weapon.

LOL.

I dont hate DWI checkpoints. I like and appreciate them. I just hate them on the days when my vehicle isnt registered. And I hate the DMV

What the fuck do terrorist have against NYC?

SO I’m up late because by this point in my life i don’t know how not to be. I am changing channels and Anderson Cooper is on the phone with some NYC official saying the FBI just stopped some terrorist plot to blow up a temple. I was too busy cussing to hear much but I did hear that they were muslim and that they had a stinger missile. I also heard they wanted to blow up air planes too!?

What the fuck?! Why do terrorist hate NYC so much? I mean… I hate NYC too so I live down south and move real slow and accept that I cant get a good bagel or knish. I’ll take the grass and the space and the lack of congestion. Its a trade off I have chosen to accept. I cannot figure out why these people keep trying to attack New York. I don’t get it. I don’t get any of it to tell the truth. Why are these people always claiming my religion? God hasn’t told you to kill anyone. Wrong wrong wrong. And what do they hope to achieve?

I tell you what… they do have one thing right… they should kill themselves. But they should do it in the middle of nowhere. Alone. And that way they can tell themselves whatever bullshit they want to. They can claim God told them to do it and say it was in effort to do whatever! Just leave those of us who rather be here alone. And stop saying God told you to do this dumb shit! At least be a man and admit that this is some dumb shit you wanted to do and so you did it.

Whatever happened to….. Choose Your Own Adventure Books?

Remember these?

I used to love these books. I already had a strong love of reading when I came to these books in the third grade. I admit to reading to the first choice and being amazed that the story was dependant on me. That was too much for me to bare so I tried to take both routes. That never worked because I would end up choosing too many ways and couldn’t keep up so I decided to just see where it would take me. With these  books I could almost literally read a new story each time I picked the book up. I still think thats fantastic!

When I got to the fifth grade I discovered the next level in these books. The book came with a 20 side die and the choices you made from page to page also involved chance. AMAZING! I can’t find those books at all. However, ever now and again I hit a yard sale and they have these simpler books. Anytime I dins one I pick it up. Whatever happened to choose your own adventure books?

BUT I CAN’T COOK! Simple Peanut Butter Chocolate Candy

In full disclousrue Im diabetic now so this one no longer works for me. However it may well work for you.

Prep:

You will need a cookie sheet or a pizza tin will work if thats all you have, a sheet of wax paper will help. A microwave and clean hands is always a must. A big mixing bowl and you are on your way.

You will need

1 container of ready made chocolate frosting.

1 container of peanut butter with or without nuts

1 Jar honey

1 package rice crispy cereal

Briefly warm the peanut butter in the microwave. In a large mixing bowl mix  the peanut butter and rice crispys with a touch of honey. Roll the mixture into balls or make fun clumps of odd and random size! Whatever makes you happy! Take the lid and seal off the frosting and microwave it for like 15 seconds, pour it over the top of the peanut butter mix. Chill in the fridge until solid, and they are ready to go! If you want you can add shaved coconut to the peanut butter mix (reccomended btw!) and see how you like it!

Quick and easy. Candy! Enjoy!

Snip Snip

Next month makes two years since I had my vasectomy. Other than the very weirdness that goes with being nude in front of other men, the only thing I regret is that I didn’t have it done 15 years ago. The plumbing of my pipes had come up as a topic a couple of times these past few weeks. I warn every guy I talk to about it that it has curbed my appetite quite a bit. It hasn’t removed my appetite but it has reduced it so much that I can actually have a though and concentrate on it without drifting off on a fantasy or memory or a memory of a fantasy.

Fellas… let me tell you! It’s kind of nice! I am not distracted by T & A like I used to be and I really don’t care about how some 18 year old girl thinks I look anymore (not that I ever did). Guys, you know how it goes, rather how it used to go for me. I could be in the grocery store and a lovely lady might bend to pick up a jar of peanut butter on the opposite end of the isle and my spider sense would tingle and inexplicably I knew to look down the isle and down her blouse. I didn’t start my trip down that isle for that reason, but once the situation presented it’s self I was practically obligated to look.

Not anymore.

And I actually like that. I feel less like a dirty old man and some ‘unsuspecting’ woman doesn’t get ogled. Add to that the fact that I can go where I please without that implication that if I’m polite to a woman that I must be interested in her. It is very difficult to get into trouble with the wife if I hardly see the trouble. I’m not ignoring it like I used to do pre snip. I really just don’t see it.

I’m like an old dog with no teeth. I figure why bark? I aint gone do shit anyway.

E Trade Baby “Gin And Juice”

I love these E Trade baby commercials. They tickle the shit out of me. But I also LOVE the good remixes people post on youtube.com even more.

At the 31 second point when he says, “I got bitches in the living room gettin it on…” and the black baby looks at the babysitter’s ass… I loose it ever single time. Then there is that bruce willis baby. He is sitting in his high chair with a gangsta lean…. LOL. Not to mention the last second of the clip! Tickles me.