She Watched Me

She watched me. She watched me work the room like a broadway dancer. I butterflied from person to person shaking hands. Hugging. Air kissing. My smile was soft and warm. I twirled around and let slip a look of surprise at my present company. My expressions ran the gambit from, “Hey, how you been?”  to “Did your mother get the anniversary card I sent?”

I was on fire.

Maybe she thought I didnt have it in me anymore. I spread my charm around the room like cheap aerosol air freshener that everyone likes but doesn’t last long.

Father’s Day. A Lesson In Stereotypes.

I am comfortable with the stereotypes I fit. I have never felt uncomfortable being or doing anything that is said to be true of my type or my people. My mother married my sister’s father so I had a father figure in my life but I never thought of him as ‘my’ father. So father’s day really never had any significance to me. It came and went without any fanfare at all.

Now a days my wife’s father is alive and nearby so fathers day  has become of some significance to me by proxy. And despite mine and my stepson’s objections, my wife also seems to think I should be recognized on father’s day. I’m a motherfucker. But I’m no father. Anyway. We took my father in law out for dinner on father’s day. We went to a small town North Carolina seafood place. I should have had my guard up to begin with but I didn’t want to assume anything simply because the place looked sort of like a gas station. It was where he wanted to eat so thats where we went.

It was a cornucopia of stereotypes! First of all the place bills it’s self as a seafood restaurant but if you did not want catfish or shrimp you needed to search the menu real hard. They did, in fact, have more types of bbq than they did seafood. And yes, they did bring my salad dressing out in a lil plastic cup with a lid, despite the fact that we weren’t getting it to go. My waitress was poppin gum the entire time and she couldn’t have said “sugah” more if she was repeating the ingredients for sweet tea. I expected the drinks to be served in dixie cups. When I ordered an unsweet tea and asked for Splenda, the poor woman was confused and insulted. She repeated my order slowly like maybe I didn’t know what I ask asking for. I tried not to laugh.

I was disappointed in my meal Despite the down home feeling of the place, it cost as much as any middle of the way seafood place and wasn’t near as good. My father in law, who has probably never been to a national middle of the way seafood place, loved his meal. And that was what it was all about. I think.

I

Consequences and Repercussions

That was me. That time. Standing ready. Teeth sharpened. Armed for battle. meditating on the wrong that I had done my entire life. Saying a prayer and apologizing for everything I did that I should not have done. Sorry for the hurt I caused where there was no need for pain. Readying myself for hell. Unashamed of myself. I knew where I should be. No need to lie to myself about doing anyone else’s work. Vengeance would be my drink and I would poison myself with it until my wrath reached legendary status. There were no voices in my head. There was no religious banter. Philosophy was mearly background noise. I was between good and evil running towards one side fast.

Tiger Woods

I am such a dirty whore.

Let me explain.

I haven’t been able to drop my semi precious jewels on yall in a regular fashion. I have many excuses but I wont make them. The only thing I have been able to get you is my NFL picks. SO I wanted to stay away from sports a bit. But like a dirty little whore, I just can’t seem to stay away from it. Thanks Tiger.

Look. The main question I ask as a straight man is, “Man. Why did you even get married?” You could ho all over the world and have to answer to no one! TMZ could run a story about you being locked in a Vegas suite for a week every off season with 25 strippers and no water. Just you, them, and nothing but jello and whip cream for food. And if your sponsors looked the other way no harm no foul. But as it stands… you got married.

Why?

You clearly weren’t ready to settle down man.  And I won’t even say anything about the women who are coming forth. All I’m saying is I have no game and I’m broke and I had better taste than you. I suppose money doesnt make good taste. Again. Why did you get married man? You could have all the skanks you could handle and no one would care…

Why man? Why?

Children Playing In The Snow

There we were. Children playing in the snow. A small part of out innocence was gone and we kept playing as if nothing had happened. A cold day blew those strong chicago breezes we called “the hawk” all around us. We just played there like our worlds hadn’t been destroyed a little. If we were more mature we would have held each other and cried. We would have felt like the bloodstains wouldn’t go away and the pain would. Even though it turned out to be just the opposite. We were children playing in the snow. Pretending our worlds didn’t just change.

Small Cars. Big Women

Did you happen to see any of the Oprah White House Christmas special? Football was on so probably not. I did. During one of the commercials. Oprah looked GOOD. Yes. Oprah. Big Oprah. She and the First Lady (who always looks good) looked like the company I would keep after a long day at the office! That is, if my wife wouldn’t kill me…. I mean if I were single, I would be at the restaurant with those two lovely ladies trying to make it a two for night. Which is to say, again, big Oprah looked good. I can’t find a pic from last night but I found a decent one to illustrate my point. (Lord knows there are plenty of pictures of her online…)

Curvation. She looks better as she ages. All that money doesn’t hurt any either. Sexy. Sophisticated. Richer than a mutha…. Oprah.

A car that you will never catch Oprah dead in, The Kia Soul.

Doesn’t it look cute! Looks like it might transform and save the day! Autobots! Roll Out!

11 All Time Stripping Songs (mature sister edition)

Fellas. As we age, some of us get lazy and lose the spark in our marriage/long term relationship. It is important that we not forget the spice we once used in the bedroom. Now I know many of us have bad backs and trick knees and can’t make her hit those high notes anymore. I know a house full of children, some of whom think your bed is their bed, can really cramp your style. But there are those afternoons when you both take off from work at lunch time and you have a little time before the constant yammering of your little blessings walk through the door eager to show you the crayola drawing of you. You ever ask yourself if the child really thinks you look like cookie monster with the eyes on the top of your head? Maybe you should get junior checked. I mean, it was cute when he was 5 but he is almost 15 now….

Anyway. We all love stripping. But the wives have these crazy rules about it. Go figure! So the thing to do is create the same joy of watching her undress but doing it without asking. Let me warn you fellas… This may require a few days of you stripping first. I know I know. But consider it laying the groundwork. A sort of a tic for tac. YOU can strip to the radio. It won’t matter. BUT if you are trying to get a sister to strip you need to make yourself a mix and be ready to play it.

“You’re Making Me High” Toni Braxton

“Rub You The Right Way” Johnny Gill

“oops (oh my)” Tweet

“scandalous” Prince

“tell me” dru hill

“moments in love” the art of noise

“Me and Mrs Jones” Billy Paul

Silk – Freak Me.

Rock Me Tonight For Old Time Sake – Freddie Jackson

Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye

Piece Of My Love -Guy

Be sure to set the mood. The key is to make it obvious what you whawant, but you want to be sure not to ask. This may not require, but will not be hurt by scented candles, a drawn bath, flowers and or a roaring fireplace. Be flexible and patient and you may get the show you hoped for.

Small Cars. Big Women

I have said it before and I will say it again. I love small cars and I love big women. Small sexy cars, Big beautiful women. I know these things dont exactly work together but I am comfortable in my tastes and preferences and I am going to share.  With no disrespect to my lovely wife or my Volvo wagon…

Small Car

The Lotus Elise.

Im not sure you have even seen one of these since they aren’t your everyday car. I actually climbed in one of these once and it was TIGHT for me. I’m not small but DAYOM it was condom tight. AND I LOVED IT! I was not fortunate enough to drive it but it made me feel fuzzy inside and I needed a moment to cool down when I got out. I must say I felt like I strapped into a rocket ship and if I were allowed to drive it I am not convinced I wouldnt feel like I was flying to the moon! If I had the $50,000 the guy was asking for the one I was in I would be $50,000 broker. As it turns out there are some benefits to having shitty credit.

Big Woman

Listen. I almost always disagree with the idea that women should be any one size. Please dont take my preference for the voluptous as an anti skinny girl rant. Not true. I just refuse to buy into the brainwashing that says that one size fits all. It doesn’t. Ok. Enough preaching. Today’s ‘big’ woman is Micheala Pereira. KTLA morning news anchor. Once of “Internet Tonight” on ZDTV. (old school flashback)

I dont even think this is the best picture of her and she looks like she tastes fantastic! No disrespect intended but once upon a time I would have worn that woman out so bad we would both need a Gatorade I V. DAMN!

As I was saying. Big beautiful women aren’t rare. They are everywhere. Reexamine what you think you like. Forget those childhood concepts. You no longer believe in the tooth fairy. You know santa is a lie. Stop holding onto what you were told as true. And for goodness sakes stop telling lies to your kids. You know better than that. At least I hope you do.

Small Cars and Big Women

“I don’t like small cars or real big women, but somehow I always find myself in them.” -Kid Rock

I am just the opposite. I love small cars and I love big women. I have never considered what others think is good when it comes to what my tastes are. This is a topic I will begin a regular segment on. Here is my first small car, big woman stamp of approval.

Small Car

The nissan Cube.

I think this little thing is cool as shit. I saw one on the streets the other day and couldn’t stop staring. It reminded me of the original Scion XB, which I love. If I could afford one I would seriously consider it. Its not for everyone. Nothing is. It has some drawbacks… can’t take my big girl on long trips comfortably. But this would be ‘my’ car. Sexy.

Big Woman

Toccara Jones

Listen. Without being disrespectful to my wife, this here woman is physically perfect. She might weigh 200 pounds or more and I could give a shit less. Whatever she weighs, a woman built like this is too much for some men. I am not one of them. She could put on more weight and I would still think she is sexy. Unmistakably femine. Sexy.

Hard work

His head hurt. It was thumping. Thunder and lightning outside didn’t help any. The clothes he wore were soaking wet. His hands were sore from forging his future. He probably should go now that the rain picked up. It didn’t seem to bother him the last four or five hours. Then it was just raining. Now there was lightning and lightening is nothing to play with. Nothing at all. He dragged himself back to the truck and climbed inside with a sigh. He greedily ate the sandwich he brough along and sighed loudly.